Set boundaries
How to build a successful mentoring relationship. I tell a story about when I took a counseling class and it was like everyone grew. We decided to start a WhatsApp group. The instructor said to us, like, “What are the rules for this group?” We were like, “No, we’re all adults. This is going to be okay. Everybody knows how to behave.”
At the end of each session we have a group therapy session. Then, in the fifth set of therapy sessions, she said, “Did you realize that you all spent at least 30 minutes talking about this WhatsApp group and how everyone felt?” We were like, “Oh, wow.” She was like, “It’s because you didn’t set boundaries.”
So it’s very easy because a lot of times when we get into a mentoring situation it’s someone we already know, someone we already like. So you might just say, “Oh, just go loose goosey. We’re all adults. We do this.” But it’s really critical, if you get anything out of it, it’s boundaries. You need to set boundaries because if you don’t set them, you won’t be able to tell when they are broken.
If you start a mentoring relationship and you give someone free access all the time and then you’re walking down the driveway for three months and you’re like, “Oh, I’m not happy with that,” that’s going to break trust because it’s going to be like a betrayal of the relationship that we’ve built. So set your boundaries from the beginning.
The first thing to think about is: “How much time is this?” Mentoring is not an endless relationship, because if you view it as an endless relationship, that may feel like a burden. So the first thing to do is set the duration, set the time, set the contact details. I only want to be emailed Monday to Friday with X,Y,Z. I can only respond here. I don’t want to contact via whatsapp. You need to set these boundaries so that the guidance you provide doesn’t become a burden to you.
define results
Next is defining the outcome. Since coaching is an era, it’s a duration thing, it won’t last forever, so you need to make sure you define the outcomes so you can monitor progress. If not, if you don’t set the outcome, how do you know if you’re achieving it? So make sure you set goals.
vulnerable
The next thing to do is vulnerability. Because this is a temporary relationship, building trust is crucial. What really makes us experience vulnerability is that we don’t always want to show all parts of ourselves.
But if you don’t do that, you won’t be able to build trust because this is someone coming to you at a very vulnerable stage in their life. Vulnerability builds trust. We are all looking to make connections. So if you give, you get.
Understand the ethics behind mentoring
In the end, this is a big responsibility, so you need to understand that there are ethics behind it.
Conflict of interest, confidentiality is key because again, you need to build that trust and maintain that trust. In order for others to feel safe approaching you, they need to be reassured, and they need to see that you maintain others’ confidence.
Power Dynamics is another big one. You’re in a situation where you know someone comes to you at a very vulnerable time in their life.
Check that the power dynamics are correct. Sometimes, especially in a professional setting, it can be that you are too senior for the mentor and you are not casual and like to talk about what is going on at work because the person is in a position of authority, making decisions. So make sure you check that out, oh, I really want to help someone, but my contract says I have no competition, I can’t really mentor someone in the same industry.
So make sure you’re checking in and keeping all these things in check and you’re respecting the ethics of the relationship.
I’ll close with this quote from Maya Angelou. I like it very much. “When you get, give. When you learn, teach.” Thank you.
